Surface Fan-Fiction: Lee's Crazy Days

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Lee's Crazy Days

Chapter One

A/N- The characters/settings in this story are the sole property of the Pate brothers. DUH.

Day 1

9:00 PM

Agent Lee was sitting at his desk when the door to his office broke open. A rather attractive brunette stormed into the room and marched up to his desk.

“This relationship is over! Do you hear me? Over!”

A very confused Lee looked cautiously at the angry, clearly insane woman. “Erm…” he managed to sputter out. “Can I help you?”

“Help me? Help me?” she screamed hysterically. “I saw you kissing her yesterday! Did you not think I would notice? Didn’t you care about me at all, Jonathan??”

“Jonathan?” said an utterly confused, very scared Lee. “I-I’m not Jonathan … I’m Agent Lee.”

The woman stared at him in silence for a moment – her hair astray, her eyes bulging, breathing heavily. Lee’s eyes flew across the room for a means of escape from this insane woman. His eyes caught the red security button by the door. Bingo, he thought, and then it hit him. The frickin button is across the room. Who was the idiot that put it there?


Lee observed as the movers well, moved his things into his new office. The electrician, a big man with a southern accent, asked him, “Where do I put this thing?”

“I don’t know – put it on the wall doofus.” The electrician raised his eyebrows at the not-so-insulting remark.

“Somebody didn’t have their coffee this morning.” He insinuated as he walked away.

“NO I DIDN’T!” screamed Lee.

The electrician walked into the room and looked around. There was a circuit hole by the door where the light switch was supposed to go. Humph. Serves him right. The electrician thought as he installed the button.

*End Flashback*

No wonder. Lee thought, looking around at the candles that lit his office. Anyhoo, what was I doing again? O yea.

“Audrey?” A familiar voice came from the doorway. The woman, or Audrey, as it seemed, spun around to face the figure in the doorway. Lee took the opportunity to throw himself to the floor. “I heard you shouting. Is everything okay?” came the disturbingly familiar voice again.

“JONATHAN!!” Audrey began a barrage of words that Lee had never heard before, but he ignored it and started crawling towards the button. Just like in ‘Nam he thought. Wait, I was never in ‘Nam. O well. He was halfway across the hallway when he recognized the figure in the doorway. He looked exactly like Lee. He had the same suit on, same haircut, and Lee had to admit, he was just as studly as he was too.

“Baby, I was just - ” Jonathan began

“Don’t lie to me!” screamed Audrey.

A befuddled Lee stood up, straightened his tie, and brushed off his suit before saying, “Can someone please explain to me what the fudge is going on here?”

Ignoring him, Audrey walked up to Jonathan and slapped him.


Miles (no pun intended) away, in Wilmington, NC, in a lab, Nim heard a sound. It was something like this.


Yea that was it. Hearing this, Nim could think of one logical explanation. Miles was in trouble. Nim leapt to the top of his tank and looked around. Aha. A man in a white coat was standing in the room. A likely culprit. And what was that in his hand? A clipboard – the ideal smacking item. Without hesitation, Nim through himself at the bully.

“Argh!” said the man.

What a funny sound, thought Nim

A/N – Ok … end of first chapter.


Chapter 2

A/N – Much thanks to all my great reviewers. I just love reviews!

bobo – There should be more surface fics! And I’m glad you liked it.

jinxknockonwood – Thank your for being my first signed reviewer! You get a prize!! (Well not really.)

stupidNosferatuwell that’s an odd review but I’m getting the idea it’s a good one! I’ll be sure to check out the forums.

Nyrocat – thank you for the positive feedback! I hope you find this chapter funny too.

Hailey – I shall take that as a compliment

i'manobody – well thank you for the umm very positive feedback!

Disclaimer: The Pate brothers own Surface and it’s characters

Ok, on with the story.

Day 1

9:10 PM


Jonathan flew through the air and crashed into a cubicle. The startled cubicle occupant managed out a “What the f –” before the author’s mother smacked him for using obscene language.

Lee gaped at the crashed cubicle wall and then looked back at the fuming Audrey. Two agents rushed into his office. “Is there a problem, Agent Lee?” One of them, Thomas, asked.

Lee’s eye twitched. “Problem? I see no problem what problem do you see here?” Lee broke into a fit of insane laughter. Thomas walked up and smacked him. “Control yourself.”

Why is everyone getting smacked? The world may never know. Anyway..

“We have a situation, sir.” Thomas explained. “We’ve located the two suspects in a hotel. Shall we capture them?”

Another agent, Will, walked up to Lee. “Sir,” he said. “There’s no more toilet paper in the bathroom.”

“I have spare rolls under my desk! DUH!” Lee screamed, then, noticing a sudden silence, he realized everyone was staring at him. “You never know when you could need ‘em.” Lee said.

“True.” Said everybody and went back to doing whatever.

“Sir, do we capture them?”

“Yes,” said Lee. “I have some unfinished business I must attend too.” He looked around and saw Will walking off with an armful of Charmin Ultra. “You!” he barked, causing the startled agent to drop several rolls. “Go with them.”

“But –”

“GO!” Will dropped the rolls and ran off to catch up with the other two. Lee turned heel and headed for the elevator. His coworkers had some ‘splainin to do.


Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Company!” Yelled a delighted Laura as she ran to the door. “O I just love knock-knock jokes. Who is it?”


“Thomas who?”

“Thomas Jones.”

Laura burst out laughing and grabbed her sides. “Thom-Thomas Jones! AHAHA! That’s a good one! Oh!” Suddenly she stopped laughing as realization dawned on her. “Wait a minute, that’s not funny at all!” She pounded angrily on the door. “Booooo!” she shouted at whoever was on the other side. “Tell me another one.”

“Knock – knock.”

“Who’s there?”


“Will who?”

“Will you let me in to use your bathroom?”


“…. Please?”

“Okay make it quick.” Laura opened the door and let a man in a black suit rush in. She slammed the door in two more men’s faces.

“Who is it?” she asked.

“Uh … pizza guy.”

“I love pizza!” Laura’s hand slowly and dramatically reached for the handle but stopped inches from it. The toilet flushed. Rich screamed. Oh no, thought Laura. Rich was taking a shower!

She rushed into the bathroom. “Aaaah!” screamed Will, tripping over the toilet. Rich emerged from the shower, thankfully wearing a towel.

“Cold cold cold cold!” he frenzied. Then he saw her. “Laura! What are you doing here? WHAT IS HE DOING HERE??”

“I can explain –” Laura began.


The hotel door burst open. Laura and Rich rushed into the room as two men in black suites walked in. They stopped when they saw Rich.

“It’s him.” Said one

“The electrician.” Said another.

“Do we proceed?”

“Yes, he is still – ”

“A redneck.”

One of the agents ran at Rich and punched at him. Rich dodged the blow, grabbed the man’s arm, and kicked him. He flew into the door and knocked it off its hinges. He crashed into the hallway.

The other agent ran up the wall and kicked at Rich. Rich knocked his foot away in slow-mo and jumped up to the agent’s level. He threw a punch that the agent blocked, then spun and hit the agent in the chest. The agent smashed into the bathroom wall and fell down. The agent who had been knocked into the hallway rushed back and was about to throw himself at Rich when Laura hit him with a random crowbar. He fell over. His final words were, “Oof.”

Just then, Will walked out of the bathroom and hitched up his pants. “Whoo,” he said. “Do not go in there.” He walked in a bowlegged fashion out the doorway, leaving a dumbfounded Laura and Rich in his wake.

WELL? Why are not reviewing? You know you want to … come on … come on….click “comments” below to review.